


Vices and Virtues

by Artificial Pichitinha (Pichitinha)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cliche, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-11 00:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12310782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pichitinha/pseuds/Artificial%20Pichitinha
Summary: Katya has been addicted to a lot of things during his life, but he can certainly say that Trixie Mattel is the worst of them.





	Vices and Virtues

**Author's Note:**

> Extremely cliché but what can you do? Trixie/Katya more used than Brian, but male pronouns throughout.

Addiction is something Katya knows well. He firmly believes that short of designer drugs he’s had them all at some point in his life. Most of them he has overcome, and some he has tried. It’s been years since he'd stopped drinking for example, but on the other hand he had quit smoking three times through the span of his life and the vice just kept on getting stronger. Dont’s get him wrong: overcoming addiction is a lifelong commitment. Every day is a struggle, some worser than others, but always there. But he’s done it, sometimes.

 

Alcohol is definitely the one he misses the most, and he doesn’t mean only in the physical sense where he craves the taste and the sensations. He also misses the good side of it that non-addicted people get, which he used to get before everything got out of hand. He misses the socialization, the glass of wine when you go out to dinner on a fancy restaurant, the cocktail at a housewarming party, the belonging that came with being tipsy along everyone else as opposed to being the only sober in the party.

 

To be fair he is rarely ever the only sober anymore as a few other queens are also trying the steps of sobriety, but sometimes it’s hard, wanting to enjoy it like that so bad and not being allowed because you know that you’ll never be able to trust your body like that again.

 

Point is, Katya knows addiction. He’s good at spotting the signs of it in an early stage and he likes to believe that he’s now more prepared to stop new ones before they become his nicotine which is the only one he just can’t quit.

 

And that is why, as horrible and cliche and teenage-y and stupid as it sounds, that Katya firmly believes he is addicted to Trixie Mattel. It’s the little things, really, as it usually is, like when he’s ready to head home or go to bed early but can’t refuse any invitation Trixie makes, or like he’ll often wish Trixie was at his side when he thinks of something funny that he knows people won’t understand like he will.

 

Katya is not stupid, he knows he has feeling for the Barbie drag. He’s known for a while and he’s at peace with that fact. He’s even at peace with the fact that Trixie does not reciprocate. That is all fine within a context in which Katya can live his life normally even though those feelings are always there, but when it starts disturbing his reality, making him look for Trixie when he isn’t there and wishing he’d be and constantly thinking about him in ways that, once again, are one-sided, then they start having a problem. Katya is tired of addictions and he’s not at all experienced in the whole  _ human _ vice thing but he thinks it might be the worst one yet. He’s so not ready for that spiral.

 

*

 

Thing is, Katya is pretty sure Trixie  _ knows _ . He has to, actually, cause he's not stupid. They’ve never talked about it but Katya doesn’t really try to hide it and pretty much all of their friends seem to see it. It had started off with a simple crush combined with horniness that grew out of a simple physical attraction, and Katya is not one to shy away of sexual desire, so he lets it be known. It’s alright when Trixie doesn’t reciprocate, he doesn’t expect him to, but he keeps on showing it and he only realizes his feelings have evolved when it’s too late. The whole thing has already become sort of a schtick and the only way to make his feelings more obvious would be to bluntly quit it all.

 

But mostly what scares Katya is not the one-sidedness of it all, but the fact that this isn’t him.  _ Liking _ someone is something so foreign to him that the words sound weird even in his own head. He can’t count how many times he had said on camera alone that he doesn’t like commitments and relationships. And it’s  _ true _ . That doesn’t stop his stupid heart from forgetting they’re 35 and not fucking 15, though.

 

He wonders sometimes, at the dead of the night when he’s alone in bed and drifting into the realms of sleep if he would be able to maintain a relationship if the other person was Trixie. His brain makes a quick but powerful collage of their moments together and it’s with great anxiousness that the answer he gets is  _ yes _ .

 

*

 

So Trixie has a boyfriend. Well, sort of. It was just a tinder date but it has lasted for three weeks already. That’s not a good sign. For Katya, that is, because it means Trixie likes him. And Trixie gets invested, he’s always all in and he wants it to work and Katya knows that every time he gets a boyfriend he hopes it’ll be The One - the one that’ll give him a ring, a house, kids and a stupid white picket fence. Katya feels sort of sick, and isn’t that addiction in its purest form?

 

“Have you had sex yet?” Katya asks, unable to stop himself. The answer is probably no - Trixie and him are very much opposites in this aspect, which he is also well aware of - but he needs to hear it.

 

Trixie laughs. “You know I haven’t. I’m thinking about it, though. He’s very charming.”

 

Katya smiles but he can practically feel the deformed status of his face at that. He wonders if Trixie chooses to ignore it, if he really doesn’t notice it, or if he’s just a better actress than he thought.

 

“So soon? My my, I have changed you.” He manages to joke and Trixie laughs and it’s almost ok but not entirely.

 

“That’s what I get for making friends with the only high class Russian whore.”

 

Katya shrugs and points at him. “Should have known.”

 

*

 

Another thing is, even though Katya is sure Trixie knows - how would he  _ not _ \- Trixie acts normally. He doesn’t act like someone who knows his best friend likes him even though he doesn’t like him back. And that bothers Katya a bit, if he’s being honest, the fact that Trixie so easily dismisses his feelings. Once again,  _ yes _ , he's always blabbering about not liking relationships and shit. But there's been a consistency to Katya's feelings towards his friend that are worthy of at least some acknowledgement. It's like, if every other queen is starting to mention it with "tough, huh?" types of comments then clearly it's time for Trixie to at least be like "ok Katya, we get it, now get over it" right?

 

Don't get him wrong, he's happy to be the person that Trixie goes to share everything with. He likes being his confident, likes knowing that Trixie trusts him more than anybody else. But maybe Trixie should be a bit more considerate when sharing intimate details knowing full well how Katya wishes that it was him the other actor on the story.

 

"So, you really like him, huh?" He interrupts Trixie with the first question that comes to his mind, and it might be a terrible one, but it's better than listening to how he's the best fuck Trixie's had in ages.

 

Trixie's expression soften and his eyes shine a bit and Katya's heart clenches before he's even said a word. "Yeah, I think I do."

 

Katya swallows the lump on his throat and wonders if it would be incredibly awkward if he just got up and left, sprinted away from there. When he realizes that it would, he gets up with the excuse of getting some water. He can see a little bit of confusion on Trixie's eyes, but he just continues his way to the kitchen and hopes that in the small moment he'll spend there he'll be able to go back to the Katya he used to be, that had a crush on his best friend but could feel happy for him when he was happy. He drinks his water slowly and with each gulp he forces his brain to repeat  _ I'm happy for him, I'm happy for him, I'm happy for him _ . He reaches the end of the glass and his brain barks back,  _ liar _ .

 

*

 

He hasn't exactly stopped sleeping with other people - that in itself is a stupid thought because  _ other _ people would indicate that there is  _ a person _ and there isn't - but he did decrease the amount because he truly feels less like it now. He might see a guy and think about fucking him but he doesn't entirely want to either and then he'll end up going home. He blames it on getting old, but deep down he knows what is is.

 

But tonight is different. Because tonight he had a show and Trixie had gone and taken his boyfriend with him - yes, they're at the boyfriend phase now, officially - and they'd been all over each the whole time, even when they were paying attention to his performance he could see their hands roaming from the corner of his eyes.

 

He feels a little sick and a whole lot angry at Trixie for being so insensitive, so since he can't have a stupid drink which is the thing he wants the most when the show ends, he finds not one but  _ two _ hot guys who'd like to go home with his and he takes them with an uber without even saying goodbye to his friends and he makes sure that he'll enjoy the night to the fullest without thinking about Trixie Mattel  _ once _ .

 

He wakes up the next afternoon and the guys have already taken their things and left. Katya is sort of glad because he doesn't want to deal with that and also what woke him up was his phone ringing and he knows he doesn't want an audience when he sees Trixie's name as the caller.

 

"Katya? What the fuck?"

 

"What?" He honestly doesn't know what he did.

 

"Where the fuck did you go? I searched all over for you last night and no one knew where you were?"

 

"Oh. I found a couple of guys and just brought them home."

 

"A  _ couple _ ? You know what, nevermind. You could've at least told me, you knew I was there to see you." Trixie's clearly upset but Katya honestly cannot be bothered right now because it's not his fault, is it?

 

" _ Please _ you were on a date and you went to that bar because you know it's good."

 

"Don't be ridiculous."

 

"I'm not, it's the truth. You barely looked at me the whole night."

 

"Katya I've seen you perform a million times."

 

"Then why did you go at all? And why pretend that you went for me?" Katya's voice is starting to alter now, and he knows Trixie will notice, he always does.

 

Trixie is quiet for a few seconds. "Brian, is everything ok?" His tone is completely different now, and the fact that he called him Brian indicates that things got serious. Katya doesn't care though, because he's mad, he's mad at himself for this stupid feeling he's harboring and he's mad at Trixia for harboring it for someone else.

 

"No. No it isn't. But I don't wanna talk about it. I gotta go, Brian, I'll call you when I'm free."

 

He has the time to hear a gasp from the other side of the phone before he hangs it up.

 

*

 

A small part of him thinks he's being ridiculous. He's overreacting and being a bit harsh because, well, Trixie is not really responsible for his feelings is he? But he  _ is _ responsible for his actions and like it or not, his actions are hurting Katya.

 

It's been three days since the conversation with Trixie and they haven't spoken yet. Trixie tried texting him twice on the first day, but when no replies got back Katya assumes he gave up. In these almost 72 hours Katya has done a lot of thinking and he doesn't like his conclusions at all, but he feels it's the first time he is truly being honest with himself.

 

Brian McCook is in love with Brian Firkus. He's 35 and he's in love with his best friend and it's the first time he's ever really been in love with someone. And he's scared and sick to his stomach and this is precisely the reason he doesn't like relationships. And Trixie is in love with someone else. And opposed to everything he's been telling himself, he's not fine with it. He's not at peace with the fact and it hurts him and he doesn't it to because he doesn't want to lose his friendship, but it hurts him so much and he's not experienced at all in dealing with it so right now he really can't.

 

It's the end of the third day of silence and he understands where he stands now and he wants Trixie to know because he deserves at least that. So Katya takes his phone, takes a thousand deep breaths, and types: "Sorry for being an asshole. I just need some time. Love you."

 

He turns his phone off before Trixie can even reply and spends the rest of the night fighting off his anxiety.

 

*

 

The next night he has a gig at the same bar and he forces himself to go to it with his head held up high and his perfect teeth displaying a full on smile. He interacts with the people and he has one more cigarette than he usually does before going on stage and he gives everything he has on that stage, breaking out splits and gymnastics at every five minutes to the point where his entire body aches when his number ends. He's high on the adrenaline and sweaty all over and he feels really grateful he has drag because it is the only thing that makes him feel real and grounded and truly happy, even if for a short period of time.

 

He takes his time de-dragging, bathing in the afterglow of his excitement, and when he leaves he actually feels lighter than he has in the past few months, ready to make a plan now that everything's in perspective in his mind.

 

That is until he meets Trixie waiting for him at the door.

 

"Brian?" He asks confused, not understanding what he's doing there. He thought he'd been really clear with the whole 'I need some time' thing.

 

"What the fuck is going on with you?" Trixie asks and he looks angry. As Katya takes a few further steps, he notices he also looks drunk. "I just need some time? For what? Where did that come from?"

 

"Brian, are you drunk?"

 

"Well, my best friend has been ignoring me for four days, I felt like drowning my sorrows."

 

Katya sighs and starts steering him into the corner where he asked his uber to meet him. "Come on, let's get you home."

 

"I don't wanna go home, I wanna talk to you. Tell me what's wrong! Is it your anxiety? Are you not seeing your therapist?"

 

It pains Katya a little, the worry in Trixie's voice. He knows how much Trixie cares about him, knows how their friendship is important to the other one as well. "Ok, listen, you're drunk. Let's go back to my apartment and then we'll talk in the morning when you're sober. Okay?"

 

"I am not that drunk."

 

Trixie knows how to drink, that's a fact. But his words are slurry and his eyes are blurry and at the end of the day it doesn't matter because Katya is the one that wants Trixie sober, because he doesn't want to bear his feelings out to someone inebriated with alcohol that might not fully remember it the next day.

 

"Please? I need you to be sober for this. For me."

 

Trixie opens his mouth to argue but then he must see how important it is to Katya because he shuts his mouth in a thin line and just nods yes.

 

The uber arrives right at that moment and in total silence they both climb in.

 

*

 

This is the very first time that they have ever had an awkward silence os it is  _ really _ awkward. The car ride is fast but the steps to his apartment seem to last forever as Trixie sort of clings into him and the handrail. It's like he's even drunker now than he was at the bar.

 

Katya opens the door and lets Trixie in and he kind of expects the queen to just fall onto the couch and sleep but he actually follows him around the apartment like a lost puppy craving attention.

 

"Are you mad at me?" Trixie asks at some point when he's about to go to his bedroom.

 

"Brian..." Katya is tired and he really wasn't expecting to have to deal with this today. "Didn't we agree to talk about this tomorrow?"

 

"I know, I just… you seem mad at me and I'm worried. What did I do?"

 

Trixie looks tired and sad and drunk and Katya hates that it all affects him so much.

 

"I'm not mad at you, don't worry."

 

"Then why are you ignoring me? Why do you need space?"

 

"Brian, tomorrow, please?"

 

" _ No _ , I need to know. You can't just yell at me then cut me off and then pretend nothing's wrong because it is and you're my best friend and I deserve to know why."

 

"You are too drunk-"

 

"Stop saying I'm drunk! Just tell me already, oh my god!"

 

"God Brian, I like you, okay? Damn it, why do you need to hear it, it's not like you don't know!"

 

Trixie looks utterly confused at that. "I like you, too. I don't understand-"

 

"No, I  _ like _ you."

 

It takes a few seconds for Trixie to fully understand, but then his eyebrows shoot up and Katya thinks his face feels hotter - is he  _ blushing _ ? Before he can think or say anything, Trixie moves forward and touches their lips together.

 

This is way more intense than any on-camera or onstage kiss they have ever shared. Trixie is kissing him for real, his hands on his face and hair pulling him closer, their mouths open and exploratory. Katya feels warm all over and he can't believe this is happening, that they are actually kissing and he actually has Trixie's tongue inside his mouth.

 

But nothing is perfect, and there's one detail that ruins the entire thing for him: Trixie is drunk.

 

He pulls them apart and when Trixie makes a noise of complaint Katya cuts him off.

 

"You're drunk."

 

"Oh, will you sto-"

 

Katya denies with his head. "I can taste the alcohol."

 

Trixie's eyes blown wide at that and he takes a step back. "Oh, fuck, I'm so sorry Bri, I didn't mean-"

 

"It's fine. I just need… it's fine."

 

"Can I do something?"

 

"No, thanks. I just need… I just..." What he needs is a fucking drink, but he's not gonna say that. He tries to calm himself, breathes a few times trying to forget the taste of alcohol and also the taste of Trixie of his mouth, and he doesn't know which one is worse. "I need some rest. Will you be okay on the couch?"

 

They always share beds when they have to spend the night together, but Trixie nods nevertheless.

 

Katya gets him a blanket and a pillow and retreats to the balcony where he lights a much needed cigarette. He can't believe that this actually happened, that they kissed and could have possibly fucked, that he was  _ so close _ to what he's been thinking about for months. He lets it consume him, the thought of Trixie right there on the couch, his fantasies playing out in his head and it actually happening, the feel of his mouth so intense on his own. He feels chills all over and he can't quite stop shaking. He knows that feeling well, abstinence.

 

His cigarette is over just like that and he doesn't feel better at all. In fact he feels worse. He'd been so adamant the entire time about Trixie being too drunk because he knows the effect that alcohol has on someone, how it clouds judgement and decisions even when you're not shitfaced. And he knows that that's what made Trixie do what he did, that he would never have kissed him otherwise, and that is not only a fact but a painful one at that. Because it simply isn't fair to Katya that this type of shit happens, that he has to deal with the guy that he likes kissing him while drunk and regretting it the following morning. And he will because Katya is the embodiment of everything Trixie is not looking for in a guy. Katya is not a marriage person. Katya smokes. Katya is a drug addicted and alcoholic, even if recovered. Katya has anxiety and depression. Katya is simply not good enough. And Trixie has a boyfriend.

 

He drowns himself in his self-pity and the level of anxiety that reaches him now is so overwhelming that he feels lost. The last time something this major happened was during drag race and even then he doesn't remember it being that bad. He's smoked through a second cigarette already and it again did nothing, so the only thing in his mind now is alcohol.

 

He shouldn't, he knows that, it's been years and he's so,  _ so _ proud of his accomplishment in giving up drinking. But he needs to do  _ something _ because he feels like he's fallen into a pit that he can't get out of, so without a second thought he enters the house again and grabs his wallet. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Trixie sleeping on his couch but he spends him no more than that as he moves to the door and continues on his way, never wavering, never stopping.

 

He comes to a stop in front of a liquor store and it's in that moment, staring through the glass door to all of the helves that he realizes what he's doing. He enters, walking calmly for the first time that night, and moves to the heavy beverages. He picks one without particularly looking at it, and it's not because he doesn't care, but because he feels ashamed. He hates that he's doing this, consciously, but at the same time it's like he can't stop his body from moving.

 

He pays for the bottle and exits with it inside a paper bag, its neck tightly grasped between his fingers. He sits on the curb and opens the lid and inhales as strongly as he possibly can the smell from the opening.

 

And then he sits there, open bottle in hand, but doesn't do anything.

 

The smell reminds him of Trixie.

 

*

 

He comes home two hours later, bottle still open and grasped between his fingers, but not a single sip missing. 

 

His movements must wake Trixie up because before he can move to the living room, the other queen is standing in front of him with sleepy eyes. And then he sees the bottle.

 

"Brian!" He exclaims as his hands move to his lips and his shocked eyes display a mixture of sadness, anger, disappointed and guilt that Katya simply feels too exhausted to deal with.

 

"I haven't drunk it. I just smelled it." He justifies raising the bottle and shaking it, making droplets fall to the floor, showing it's full.

 

"Brian-"

 

"Did you know you are really selfish?" Katya asks then and a bitter laugh marks his sentence. "I mean, I ask for space, and you can't give me that. I ask for  _ one night _ so you can sober up and you can't give me that either. I ask-" He cuts himself mid sentence, realizing what he was about to say. "I didn't think I'd ever have to be so blunt about it, Bri, but okay, here it goes: could you please stop acting like my feelings mean nothing?"

 

Trixie seems completely confused at that. "Like your feelings mean nothing? You shout at me for no reason, then you disappear-"

 

"For no reason? Stop acting like a fool, we both know it doesn't suit you!"

 

"What the fuck are you talking about? Can you stop throwing insults at me and just explain what you're saying  _ for once _ ?"

 

"Trixie, the whole entire universe knows I'm in love with you. I honestly don't know how you can ignore it so well, it's seriously a testament to how horrible the idea of being with me must sound to you. But really, you gotta stop pretending you don't see it or it's nothing and you gotta help me out here. You know I'm an addict, you know I can't turn away from toxic things, you need to at least be my friend and  _ help me _ ."

 

Trixie is quiet for long, torturous seconds, and yet he manages to come up with the worst possible answer. "You're not in love with me."

 

He says it calmly, with confidence, as if it is a known fact and Katya must be crazy. As if Katya hasn't suffered with this feeling for ages, as if it doesn't hurt him everytime he makes a pass, even if jokingly, and Trixie completely dismisses him. As if Katya hasn't tried to stop smoking twice in the past couple of months thinking that it could make Trixie consider him.

 

"You don't get to tell me how I feel, Brian." Is all Katya can say, his blood boiling in his veins, his hands shaking as he is impossibly aware that there's a full bottle of alcohol in one of them.

 

"You're not in love with me." He repeats, unphased by Katya's response. "You're infatuated. I'm your best friend, we're close, you like sex. That's all there is to it. Don't confuse things."

 

"You don't know my feelings."

 

"You don't have  _ feelings _ ." Trixie replies immediately. By the tone of his voice Katya can understand what he means, he's talking about romantic feelings, the type that Katya has really claimed in the past to not feel. But it still stings, it still turns his stomach into knots as the words hit hard at him.  _ You don't have feelings _ . Trixie must see it then, in the way Katya strengthens up and his breath hitches, because he looks immediately regretful.

 

Katya doesn't care though, not at this point, not after everything. "It looks like this nap sobered you up. You should go."

 

"Katya-". Trixie reaches out to him, but Katya moves past him with quick steps and heads towards his room.

 

"There's cash in my wallet if you need it for the taxi. You can take it."

 

That's the last thing he says before slamming up the door of the bedroom, and it's only when liquid hits his feet that he notices the booze is still in his hands.

 

He rests his forehead on the door, his breathing heavy and uneven as his eyes begin to tear up, and he wishes that Trixie would at least have taken the bottle from him before leaving. He doesn't, and that somehow stings harder than anything.

 

*

 

Katya has been staring at the bottle for the past three hours. He put it in the farthest corner of his room and has managed to remain seated on his bed ever since and he has yet to put it in his lips. He wants to,  _ so bad _ , his whole body trembles at the thought, but he's not at the high of his addiction anymore, he's been sober for a long time, so he has somewhat of a clearer mind than he had back then. Now he can think of everyone that this would not only disappoint but also hurt. He thinks of his mom, so proud that he recovered from all the bad things he did and rebuilt his life. He thinks of how he  _ knows _ that even if he tells himself it's just a sip, that it would be a lie.

 

He's so tired,  his muscles are sore and his eyes are hurting and it's in his need to sleep that he finds the resolve to take the bottle to the kitchen and throw it in the sink. He gets up, grabs it, and with one last longful look he moves to the door.

 

Next thing he knows he on the floor and he's covered in alcohol.

 

"What the fuc-" He starts exclaiming but at the same time he can hear Trixie's voice "Oh my god!".

 

"Trixie?!" He asks, the fight from earlier momentarily forgotten as he tries to understand why he's there at the doorstep of his bedroom. "What are you doing?"

 

"I- I was waiting for you to come out but I must've dozed off." His eyes travel from Katya's face to the broken bottle on the floor, to Katya's clothes now all damp with the liquid. "Oh fuck, I totally forgot about the bottle, it's all over you now. Shit I'm not making this easy, am I." He moves his hands as if he wants to help but he doesn't know how.

 

Katya lets out a genuine laugh for the first time that night, amazed at how ridiculous their situation is. He takes off the wet shirt and throws it through the bathroom door.

 

"What are you doing here?" He asks again when he manages to stop laughing and notices Trixie is still strict, somewhat uncomfortable even.

 

Trixie sighs and looks down. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. And about a lot of things actually. You accuse me of looking down on your feelings and that's precisely what I do like some sort of idiot."

 

Katya stares at him for a moment and searches for the right thing to say. The thing that there isn't a right thing. At the end of the day, no matter how open Trixie is and how much of an effort he puts in understanding and helping Katya, they are still left at a situation in which he is in love with his best friend and it isn't mutual.

 

"It's… not exactly okay. But kinda. I mean, what are you gonna do, right? I may be asking too much."

 

"No, Brian-" Trixie starts, but Katya has made his mind and he wants to say it all before he cowards out.

 

"No, listen. I need to say this. I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time. And it took me a while to realize it because I don't usually do this, the whole feelings thing, you're right about that. But I did now, for some reason, and I'm not really sure how to deal with that. But you know what, whatever, this is not your problem. It's mine. And it's not fair that I put it in your shoulders, because you are under no obligation to feel the same. Why would you, even, when I am so far from the man you want or the man you deserve even. So let's make a deal. We forget this, all of this. I try to handle my feelings, I try to be okay with it, and you go on with whatever his name is and I promise,  _ promise _ that I'll be a better friend and that I'll try to be happy for you, even if it's hard right now, you just need to give me some time. But I'll get there, I will. And-"

 

"Brian." Trixie cuts him but the only reason he actually stops talking is because his hands envelop his. "You're rambling. Just take a deep breath."

 

He does, then, realizing Trixie's right. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes and rests his head on the wall behind him. "Sorry. The alcohol thing, it just..."

 

Trixie's breath catches in his throat then. "Did you..."

 

Katya denies with his head and they stay silent for a while.

 

"You asked me to sober up. I should have. I'm sorry for this."

 

Katya opens his eyes then, and their gaze meets for what feels like the very first time. "It wasn't only that. I mean, yes, the taste did… but anyway. The situation wasn't completely favorable either. I can't remember the last time it got so bad to the point where cigarettes couldn't calm me down."

 

"I take responsibility for that as well." Trixie says then, eyes intense and sincere.

 

"Bri..."

 

"Christian is nice." Trixie interrupts him, and it's so sudden, such a different topic, that Katya thinks he might have fallen asleep for a few minutes and lost part of what happened. "He's sweet and he's very open about the drag thing and he's respectful and he likes me. He's exactly the type of guy that I'd try to make it work with usually."

 

Katya can feel his heart constricting and to be honest he doesn't understand why Trixie is bringing that up  _ now _ , why he's doing this when their hands are still clasped and he just poured his heart out. "And I was going to, I was doing it, actually. But the thing is, Katya, that there's one, and only  _ one _ reason why it's so easy for me to ignore how you feel. And that reason is that up until now I was completely sure that all you wanted was to fuck me. I mean, you say it all the time. And why,  _ why _ would I engage, why would I share my feelings with you when it was emotionally one-sided?"

 

Katya is silent, then, searching in Trixie's eyes for the confirmation that what he thinks he heard is right. Trixie squeezes his hands, then, his lips forming a very small but noticeable smile.

 

"Brian, this is not the time for jokes." Katya says seriously, because he might fully believe in joking about anything, but right now he can't handle it.

 

Trixie just shakes his head. "I'm not joking. I'm in love with you, too. I'm just much better at hiding it, because I've had years and years of practice."

 

"Bri..."

 

Trixie moves closer, then, their legs touching and their faces inches apart. "I am still sorry about everything that happened tonight and, well, before as well. But I'm a hundred percent serious here. I am in love with you and you are the man I want and you are in no position to decide whom I deserve because you tend to diminish yourself and you have to stop doing that."

 

Katya tries really hard to hold back his smile, but it's difficult. And upon seeing his perfect teeth, Trixie can't help but approximate their lips in a tender kiss. The taste of alcohol is gone and Katya is surprised to find out he likes it so much better now.

 

"You taste even more addicting without the alcohol." He says when they part, and Trixie laughs at the joke slash compliment.

 

"As guilty as I feel for making you go out and buy it, I am so proud of you for holding that bottle the entire night and not drinking it."

 

Katya's heart swells at that, because he's been focusing so much on his weakness of buying it that he hasn't recognized how hard it had been to not drink it at all.

 

"I love you." He says, then, because it's true and because he finally can without his heart constricting and because he's pretty sure that'll get Trixie to kiss him again and he desperately wants that.

 

"I love you, too." Trixie replies, and it's better than a kiss, but then he gets one anyway so it's  _ perfect _ .

 

They stay seated in the corridor in front of his room for several minutes, kissing sporadically but mostly just wrapping their heads around what happened, and it's with a heavy heart that Katya remembers  _ Christian _ .

 

"Wait, Bri… you have a boyfriend."

 

Trixie turns his look to the window where they can see the sun has risen already, and he's determined when he looks back at him. "Can you give me an hour?"

 

Katya's blood runs through his veins at the thought that Trixie wants to go  _ right now _ to solve this situation, but he tries to play it cool. "You don't have to-"

 

Trixie just pecks his lips and gets up. "One hour." It's all he says before he's out the door.

 

Katya remains seated there for another five minutes, in awe, but then he gets up and tries to clean the mess of glass and dried up alcohol from the floor. He then takes a shower, antsy as it's been an hour already since Brian left, wondering if he'll really come back or if maybe he changed his mind. He tells himself that it's only the anxiety talking, but since when does that matter?

 

Brian is back an hour and fifteen minutes after he left and Katya is practically jumping in the living room with worry.

 

"Sorry it took so long. I had to sit through a compilation of UNHhhh moments as he explained to me why he saw it coming."

 

"Oh my god, you're kidding."

 

"Nope, apparently he binged yesterday and actually wanted to have a conversation with me. Plus he was sleeping when I got there so that might have clouded his judgement."

 

Katya laughs his wheezy and carefree laughter and it automatically brings a smile to Trixie's lips.

 

"So, now what?" Katya asks as he tentatively walks across the room to hug him.

 

"Now I finally let you fuck me?" Trixie asks with mirth in his eyes and Katya smiles.

 

"Nope. Was I a regular boyfriend you'd wait for the next ice age before we had sex. We're not changing the way you do things just because we are  _ literally in love with each other _ . Won't happen, not on my watch."

 

Trixie rolls his eyes. "But what if I  _ want _ to have sex?"

 

"Well, too bad." Katya jokes as he shrugs and starts moving away.

 

Trixie laughs and follows him as they enter his bedroom. He grabs one of his hands and tugs at it so Katya will look at him. "Thank you." He says with sincerity because  _ yes _ it is different with Katya since they're friends already and he's been thinking about it for a while, but it's nice to know that Katya knows him so well and is thinking of him.

 

"How about we just go to sleep and cuddle the hell out of each other? I mean I haven't slept in forever and I'm pretty beat."

 

They settle down on the bed wrapped around each other and it is the easiest and most intimate thing they feel they have ever done, even if they're fully clothed and all they shared before closing their eyes was a simple kiss.

 

They're asleep in a matter of minutes and none of them are worried. They're in love and whatever happens, they'll make it work.

 

(If Trixie decides he is ready for sex and wakes Katya up with a blowjob the next morning it's entirely their business, though.)

 

_ fin _


End file.
